Neurodivergent Affirming Counseling

Much of what is necessary or expected of us can be hard for neurodivergent folks. Working 40 hours a week, doing tasks that are not inherently interesting, feeding ourselves, wearing uncomfortable clothing, engaging in small talk, navigating awkward social situations, being immersed in sensory environments that are harmful to us. . . the list goes on and on. Life can feel like a series of small performances that leave us drained, overwhelmed, and with no time left to explore what we want or enjoy naturally!

For those of us who have been masked our whole lives and did not know WHY these things were so hard, the result is often self-blame, pushing ourselves to “try harder”, and eventually shame, despair, self-loathing. We receive so many messages throughout our lifetime that we’re wrong. . . in the ways we act, express our gender and other identities, the ways we think, even wrong about how we feel!!!! It can lead us to lose faith in ourselves, and place our trust in other people. This can be dangerous, and sadly neurodivergent people are at high risk of being taken advantage of, abused, and harmed. Sometimes we are even harmed by well-meaning people, like therapists, who don’t understand why we’re struggling and try to get us to conform instead of helping us to create environments that support us AS WE ARE.

Neurodivergent Affirming practice begins with the premise that you are how you are and we don’t need to change that. I like the metaphor of shoes. . . in Cinderella they cut off the step-sister’s toes to fit the shoe. That’s what we’ve been doing to ourselves all these years! Can we just make some right sized shoes now please? That’s what I’m here for, building lives that fit us instead of trying to squish ourselves into lives made for people who are built differently from us.

Autistics and ADHDers have a harder time getting dopamine (which feels like motivation or inspiration) from tasks that are not interesting. . . when we need or want to get something done, we need to find ways to make it fun, interesting, even exciting if possible. We also need our nervous system to feel safe enough to focus deeply. Having a safe person with us can help with that. . . for example body doubling or working with a coach or therapist. This is why I worked with so many professionals and friends while I was trying to reorganize my life. Even though I was highly motivated, I found that I was able to make more progress when I had other people to offer their expertise and accountability, and that spending time with other people with my neurotype reduced my shame and let me stop trying to change myself and focus on the task I’d set out to do. . . change my life.

Common wisdom in the ND community is that as we come to know ourselves as neurodivergent, we go through a process of both joy (Hooray! I know who I am, and there are others like me!) and grief (you mean I’m never going to grow up and be “normal?”). You think back over your life, and remember times you were experiencing typical Autstic things and you’ll understand them differently. You’ll think about the future and wonder how on earth you will make it work.

In the process of self-identifying and cautiously unmasking, you will likely start to notice lots of internalized ableism, essentially beliefs that you are bad or wrong because of your differently wired nervous system. Exploring those beliefs from the perspective of neurodiversity can help you to choose how to proceed now that you know more.

You will explore your sensory and other needs, as well as your capabilities and strengths. You’ll likely begin to consider what builds your strength and resilience, and what drains you. You’ll find your limits and experiment with different boundaries to help you feel your best. Capacity fluctuates and what you can do may be quite different day to day and even moment to moment. You’ll learn about how your system handles overwhelm. . . do you have meltdowns? Shutdowns? Dissociate? Ideally, you’ll learn to recognize the early warning signs and build the skill and courage to take care of youself in those moments.

My hope is that ultimately you will be able to stop trying so hard to be different, and find yourself delighting in who you are.